The more I read the Stoics, the more I agree with the general approach to life. I am also fascinated that, without the aide of much science, they got so many things right. We now know through Quantum Physics that everything is some form of energy wave. We are all made of the same stuff, just vibrating at different frequencies so some appear solid, some fluid, some alive, some dead, etc. Modern quantified spirituality guys like Dr. Joe Dispenza call it the “Universal Field”. I have no idea what it is, but the Stoics, and Marcus, in particular, nailed it. Basically, we are all connected, made of the same stuff. So remember that when you get tilted by someone. A part of them is you and vice versa. Would you be so tilted at yourself?
I just answered the Moral Machine self driving car scenarios and i did it honestly unlike it seems most respondents. This is one of the artifacts of surveys like this. The issue comes down to what reference point are you applying to your answer? When asked “moral dilemmas” most people try to answer what they think others want to hear, they take the “what if my answer were published in the New York Times?” Approach, typically choosing whatever is politically popular today. That is why in this survey the average respondent to the “protect passengers” questions are exactly in the middle. Indifferent. Yet is everyone really indifferent?
To combat this bias I took the purposeful approach of answering the question not as if were some theoretical car with theoretical people. I decided to answer as if it were my car with my family in it and I didn’t know the animals or pedestrians. That is the 99.9% real life scenario. When I buy a self driving car I want it to have variables that I can configure on these kinds of things. And I for one will set it to always protect me and my family. When researchers ask the question this way (your family in the car) they in fact find that there is a significant preference to protect the passengers.
When reading these kinds of survey results. Always ask yourself it the designers considered the frame of reference correctly and if you were in the car with your children would you answer differently
This morning during Morning Pages, I went on a rant which started from one of my core beliefs: That the only thing which is truly my own is my Reasoned Choice: Prohairesis. The bottom line is that you are the sum of the choices in your life. And everything in life can be taken away except your choice (assuming your brain is still working, if you loose your mind, you may not even have choice left).
The problem of this morning was the flip side of Choice. The consequences. What if you never look authentically at the consequences. I have come to believe that the reality of rational choice also imposes the responsibility of rational contemplation and review of choices and consequences thereof. If you never review your choices and evaluate if they are serving you, then you give up the responsibility for those choices. Choices without reflection are just reactions. They are of the autonomic nervous system. The challenge in this world is to be a better HUMAN, not a better animal. The Human part requires reflection, contemplation, and review of the Choices. That is why I like the morning gratitude journal and the evening Examin prayer (modified). I see I need to write about those. More tomorrow.
i have posted this Epicutus quite before but I can remind myself enough of it. How protective are we of our physical security while being quite lax in our mental security. We will let social media or negative thoughts about others overwhelm the consciousness far too often. Distractions pull me into a spiral without much conscious decision. Like internet clicks. Anothe link.
Remember the only thing that you have full control over is your mind. My next decision. Do not cede that freedom lightly. Recognize when you have ceded it and reflect.
Listed here are questions/ideas which are my favorite prompts for journaling. I periodically print this out and keep it next to my Morning Pages to break through if I get stuck. Another trick which I do about once a month is to print this out and use it as stand alone journaling exercise. Just fill in a couple sentences for each question on the page.
Prompts from the ZEN frame:
What area(s) of my life could use more attention and mastery? Relationships? Work? Health? Spirituality?
If I really tell the truth about what I can work on today, I would say….
How do I want to BE in the world?
What do I want life to feel like? Work? Relationships? Health?
How do I want others to experience me?
Judgments that often come up are….
A core disempowering / restrictive story I tell myself or that I FEEL is….
What is a challenging theme of your life story that keeps repeating itself?
If I were to choose to engage with the world and in my relationships differently, I would be more / less…
What are my top 5 skills or personal traits?
PROMPTS from the STOIC frame:
What am I lacking in attaining freedom from attachment?
What for tranquility?
What am I not?
Who am I not?
What / who then?
What then is demanded of me today?
How did I steer away from tranquility?
What did I do yesterday that was unfriendly, unsocial, or uncaring?
What is a judgment that I have on my mind right now?
What specific emotions (using the emotion list) do I feel around that judgment?
What bad habit did I curb?
How am I better?
Were my actions just or were they unjust?
How can I improve on my decisions yesterday going forward?
I know from personal experience that having a plan and contemplating intentions leads to a more well-lived life. A life lived more in alignment with my values and intentions because I am keeping those plans top of mind and reducing the random walks and drifting in life. It is during the drifts that I get into troubled waters usually (again discerned after much contemplation). So realizing that things go better when my intentions are more often in my conscious mind, I started thinking about what daily habits or exercises I could add to support that behavior. For the last month, I have been doing this Intention/Decision activity, and it has won a spot in my daily routine, so here it is. While related to “How to make decisions” which lays out a set of decision guardrails, this is more of a tactical support habit for planning and cognitive authenticity.
As part of my morning routine, after making coffee, before sitting down for Morning Pages, I sit down with the day’s calendar and my to-do list and fill out an Intention/Decision log. A list of the major decisions I expect to have to make today. Things that are habits are not on the list. There is not a decision to make if it is a habit. Whatever comes to mind. Like where and with who should I have dinner? Or Should I work out or not if it is an off habit day? Or should I accept an invitation to play poker with friends? Should I do this big project today or tomorrow? Here is my Intention/Decision log for today:
Filled out in the morning for Today:
Date/name: I put the date and my name there (obviously)
Word of the day: What word do I want to be the foundational intent of the day. Today is “Present.” Often it is one of the four Stoic virtues (Temperance, Wisdom, Justice, Courage). It is the first word that pops into my head when my pen gets to that par of the page.
Cat: What category is the decision in? Of the four big classes of that affect life balance and wellness, Health, Wealth/work, Relationships/Family/Tribe, Soul/Spirituality. Then fill out how many decisions in each category down below. This will give me a cognitive trigger for how the day is going to be balanced. Is it primarily a work day? or relationships? or spirituality? Also, it helps me to make sure (since one of my goals is to have a balanced life) to have a major decision in each of the four categories.
Decision: What is the decision I expect to have to make today?
Intention: What is my intention around that decision? Now, in the morning, with my virtues and goals by my side, before the craziness of the day has taken over. What is my intention?
TWJCI: Does this decision have anything to do with the four major Stoic Virtues or an Indifferent? Temperance, Wisdom, Justice, Courage, or Indifferent? An Indifferent is wealth, status, fame, health, etc. All decisions should have at least one of these. Because if it does not, the decision is likely out of my control and should not be a decision at all. Or it is a habit which is also not a decision.
Then also in the morning, I pick up the Intention/Decision log from yesterday and review my performance yesterday by filling out these columns:
Y/N: Did my actual decision match my intention Yes or No.
Notes: Especially if the decision didn’t match the intention, why? What was the reason for variance?
% I/D sync: How may Y vs N in the Y/N column. Today it was 6/7. That means 6 out of 7 times I ended up making the decision during the day that I intended to in the morning. My goal is 100% synchronization.
Primary Variance Cause: Why did I not follow through on intentions. If it happened a lot, what is the ONE THING that was the biggest cause. This is to raise this leak in my cognitive stack so I am aware of it going forward.
One Change for Tomorrow: What one thing (if anything) should I do going forward to achieve 100% Intention/Decision synchronization?
This exercise has really helped wake me up to the truth of “Am I living life according to my stated values?” Something that can easily get sidetracked without a habit of reflection. I like the exercise and will keep it in my daily routine until further notice. It takes less than 5 minutes a day and is worth the investment for the cognitive authenticity it adds.
I invented this one, but I am sure some part of Cognitive Behavior Therapy agrees with exercises to remind cognitive self about your values and intentions on a regular basis.
Here is an Intention decision worksheet log you can use yourself.
Barrels of ink has been spilled over “be kind to yourself.” This one guy even wrote a new song about it. So how can we get a new twist on this ancient advice? I thought about this over the break while watching SuperWhy (ignore the haters) with my daughter Madison. In every episode, the characters change just one word in a story to change the whole story. Let’s try it here. Insert “older” between “to” and “self.” So “Be kind to your older self.” The self you are going to become. The old guy farting in the corner. The slow driver in front of you. The guy in the grocery checkout line digging for change in a wallet while you impatiently clutch your ApplePay iPhone, thumb hovering over the touchpad. Yea that guy. So here is how to do it
- Download one of the photo aging apps. I used the free AgingBooth.
- Take a picture of yourself, age it at least 30 years (the default in AgingBooth).
- Put this picture somewhere you will see it every day for at least 30 days. I put next to my computer monitor next to the Lucy skull (double whammy). I will likely move it around the house.
- When you see the picture, say or think something kind of the person. Initially, there will be revulsion. Get over it. It is you. Be kind.
I didn’t want to do this. My father is 30 years older than me. I don’t want to be my father. Ever. Getting old is scary. But that is why I needed to do this. It is very Stoic to face your fears. And the fear of getting old is one of the strongest in life.
I hypothesize that facing the fear of getting old will reduce the charge that fear has. I hope to be less fearful of getting old and more at ease with my place in the world.
It is Feb. 2 and I have done this for the last 32 days. Noticeable results include:
- Less emotional charge when I see the picture of my older self. Less revulsion. Less tilt.
- Meaningful conversations have been started. “What is that all about?” a couple of friends asked on seeing a copy of the “old” picture on my coffee table. I am always looking for smart conversation triggers and that picture has been a good one.
- A couple people saw the picture and shut down completely. Didn’t want to talk about getting old or the exercise at all. Upon reflection, these people are generally asleep, generally plowing through life with blinders on, generally adverse to contemplation. I didn’t try to prod them into anything, but it was an interesting confirmation bias test for a couple of people I thought were asleep to life. Show them this exercise. If they are asleep they won’t want to engage.
A fun exercise that reduced the emotional charge of a common fear in my life as well as energized my tribe with contemplative conversation. Worthwhile all around. I will keep the pictures around, but likely not focus on daily observation.
There is plenty of science on Kindness in general, usually focusing on being kind to others. There has been plenty written on random acts of kindness. I found far less relate to self-kindness. Some recent studies show self compassion can improve mental health (duh). I don’t know of any specific science studies around self kindness to your older self, but the general kindness research would apply.
The idea to practice self-kindness to my older self I must admit was not my own, it came from a Tim Ferris podcast with AJ Jacobs.
Today a friend said “I am worried about loosing my money in XYZ investment.” To my own surprise my first thought was “You really believe it is YOUR money?” The stoic stuff is really getting ingrained. I recently highlighted these passages:
“What fortune has made yours is not your own.”
Seneca, Letters from a Stoic
“Until we have begun to go without them, we fail to realize how unnecessary many things are. We’ve been using them not because we needed them but because we had them.”
Seneca, Letters from a Stoic
“No man is crushed by misfortune unless he has first been deceived by prosperity.”
Seneca, Dialogues and Letters
“There is no enjoying the possession of anything valuable unless one has someone to share it with.”
Seneca, Letters from a Stoic
“Fidelity purchased with money, money can destroy.”
Seneca, The Conquest of Happiness
Okay. Okay. Enough quotes. It is better to really experience a concept than just read it. So I have been making up practical exercises to remind myself of these truisms (exercises are very stoic). Here is the one i developed today to remind myself that none of the things in my life are actually “mine”. I do this about once a quarter. It will take you 10 minutes. Do it right now!
The impermanence of things exercise.
On a rulled sheet of paper write “things” in the center at the top of the page. To the left write -5, -10, and Birth. To the right write +5, +10, and Death. Make columns for each with the middle one under “things” the widest.
Now look around where you are and start writing down the middle column all the things that are “yours” that you see. Fill the page, should be just over 20 or so. Now down the left columns for each thing put a “Y” in the -5 box if it was in your life five years ago, or ten years a go or at your birth. Do this for all the things. Then go down the right side columns and predict if this thing is going to be in your life five years from now +5, ten years and at your Death. You get the idea. Now count up the number of “Y” in each column and put it at the top along with what percentage it is of the total number of items. Here is one I did today in my hotel room in Honolulu.
Of the 24 things on my list (and there were like over 100 things around the room) less than half (42%) were in my life 5 years ago, almost none (8%) were in my life 10 years ago and exactly zero were in my life at birth. Looking forward I was fairly optimistic that a majority (62%) would be in my life five years from now, exactly a third (33%) would be around in 10 years and 17 % would be with me at death. But then I will be dead and I can’t take them with me so they will be someone else’s at that time so 0% will go with me at Death.
What did this exercise remind me of is a very visceral and visual way ?
1. Coming into this world I had nothing.
2. The majority of things around me are recent additions.
3. The things I believe will be with me at death have lots of experiential value to them (I have had meaningful experiences with them with other people to create memories additional to the thing itself).
4. Most of the things I see are temporary objects in my life (were not here 5 years ago and will not be here 5 years from now).
5. While some things may be with me at death I can’t take any of it with me so the things really are not “mine”.
Side note: I have an absurd number of things with me on vacation. And multiples of things. Seven paddle shirts. Three surf shorts. The experiential value of a thing is inversely related to the number of them I have. For example I have only one watch with me (while I own many). The one watch i wear the most often has the most experiential value. Is the one I see myself with at death. So the obvious question is “do in need all those other watches?” This exercise made me contemplate that question. While I don’t have an answer it is a good thought exercise and moves my thought in the right direction (which is to keep asking the questions).
This exercise builds on the stoic idea that DOING philosophy is the best way to ingrain the core ideas. I like this exercise because it is short, can be done anywhere, and is a stark reminder of a couple major philosophical concepts that I struggle to keep the top of mind including:
- Give up your attachments (they aren’t yours anyway)
- Things don’t make a life.
- Meaning comes from experiences with other people.
- I was born with nothing and will die with nothing.
I designed this exercise myself so it is not based on any academic or scientific study. There has been a lot of research around attachment theory which sometimes includes “stuff” but mostly is focused on relationships.
The Psychology of Stuff.
How interest in science has been fueled by attachment to “things” but that is fading. A little off topic, but interesting idea.
It has been about 18 months since I began posting semi-regularly. At the time, something indefinite was pushing me to write down some stuff I thought important. Today as I sit on the balcony of my suite overlooking the surf in Honolulu, and looking back on 2016, the focus is becoming a little more clear.
During the last year a number of people have asked me “What are you blogging about really?” or “Are you trying to make this a business?” or “Why are you doing all this work?” I have asked myself those questions as well many times. While there have been temptations to make a run at becoming a “famous” blogger, someone with a large following ala Tim Ferris or Dave Asprey, I keep reminding myself “Been there, done that” on the “famous” thing. I have been mining a much more personal vein. Marcus Aurelius wrote Meditations primarily for himself. As little reminders to turn back to in times of crisis or decision. I have found myself doing the same with a number of these posts, going back to take more self-assessment tests, re-reading posts like “how I prepare for conflict situations” before a conflict situation and generally using this blog as a personal reference. To that end, I have not done a lot of syndication, cross posting, nor have I gotten a newsletter going. That all sounds like work to build an audience. I don’t intend this to be a business, nor do I intend to be any kind of authority on anything except my own personal life journey.
So in 2017 I will be doubling down on the Marcus Aurelius aspect of this blog. All advice and documented learnings of myself for my better self. Don’t expect me to change your life. That is up to you.
New Year, New exercises for your well lived life.
One of the most impactful category of exercises and practices for me in 2016 were those related to Gratitude. For 2017 I am building on those with a specific practice around “Thank You”. While many Gratitude exercises are internally focused on building your OWN CAPACITY FOR GRATITUDE, the Thank You practice turns gratitude outward and includes the objects of your gratitude in the practice. In some ways externalizing gratitude is a “next step” or “advanced” gratitude practice as you are taking a risk putting yourself out there to other people. While there is very little downside to this (and lots of potential upside!) I would not recommend the Thank You practice as a first step gratitude practice. This is best done from a place of quite confidence built on a solid Gratitude foundation.
Every day for 30 days I send an asynchronous “Thank You” note to someone who has done something for which you are thankful as part of your morning routine.
Try to be specific. Thank them for something specific. Like “remember the time you came and brought flowers to the hospital when my daughter was born? Thank you.” You can go general, but the more personal the connection, the more authentic. Do NOT include anything else with the thank you. Focus on sincerely expressing the gratitude. You can catch up in the follow up. And remember to leave out the weasel words.
In my case, I wanted this to take less than 5 minutes each day from beginning to end, so I allowed the Thank You to be either a text, email, phone message, thank you card in the mail, Slack message, Facebook message, Instagram comment, or any other form of asynchronous communication. No phone calls. Why Asynchronous? Because I didn’t want to blow the 5 minute budget catching up or getting off topic.
Pro TIP: Because I am a nerd, I actually brainstormed a list of almost 100 people and created a google spreadsheet of the 30 I was going to do this exercise with before hand. I listed what I am going to thank them for and I am tracking the reactions also. I put them into three categories, Family, Close friends, Acquaintances with 10 in each. I wanted to have a balance of close, near and far to see if there is any material difference in the reactions or the feeling of different categories. You don’t have to plan it out that much if you are more spontaneous (and less of a data nerd). You should be intentional about it though. Think through who you are going to include and why. Try to reach a bit to people who you should have thanked long ago, but have not talked to in quite a long time. The oldest “thank You” in my list is 40 years ago.
My hypothesis is that the exercise will:
- Build gratitude and overall happiness of myself with my life and friend network through the regular recognition of thanks to other people. I hope that engaging with the network will reinforce the internal feelings of overall gratitude in life (and replace the negative monkey).
- Re-ignite conversations with some network nodes (ok friends/acquaintances yes I am a nerd) that have been dormant. (excuse for connection). I am interested in the long term network effects here. How many people will get “infected” and do something similar? How many dormant connections will be reconnected?
- Make each day happier by starting off with memories of someone I am thankful for and acting on that thanks.
- I also believe this exercise has a chance to reinforce resilience. Or build some resilience. When the day shovels me a pile of shit I can remember that just earlier that day I had something to be thankful for. That should make the pile of shit easier to dig through.
Not complete yet, will post in Feb.
Initial results (after five days) include:
- My daughter Finn (16) cautioned: “You should probably tell people why you are sending the notes up front so they don’t think you are going to kill yourself.” A highschool student in our town had sent a series of “thank you” texts just hours before committing suicide earlier in the year. Result: This post and linking to it in my messages as explainer.
- Since I planned the whole thing in advance and had a list much longer than 30 people to thank, the exercise of planning was very interesting as well, figuring out the categories of people, who to include and who to drop. Who would make your list? Who will you cut? Why? I prioritized the top 30 as the “greatest” appreciation I had for the event. Sure it i subjective. And not all the things I am most thankful for in life have gotten thank you cards in this exercise, it is more related to finding 30 people who I am most thankful for.
- I read a good blog post and added the guy to my list for that day, dropping him a email just saying “thank you for writing that post”. Not asking for anything. He sent back a nice note as well. Small connection. Authentic appreciation. Maybe I will email him again about something else, but the start was not an “ask” it was authentic thankfulness, gratitude.
Gratitude is a well documented good life enhancement. Externalizing this with outbound thank you notes is an advanced practice with interesting potential network effects.
More coming in Feb.
Harvard wrote about this
There is a 26 study round up here.
Berkeley is doing good work here.
There is a Coach.me 30 day thank you exercise here (slightly different as they tell you what to be thankful for each day).
There is of course lots of Pintrist boards on this (also typically giving ideas of what to be thankful for each day rather than focusing on people).