I just created this one myself. Super fun brain teaser!
I just created this one myself. Super fun brain teaser!
Someone recently asked me : “How do I recover the grit and will to succeed in life I had a long time ago, but I lost over time?”
As someone who has had a +/- net worth swing of over $500M in the last 15 years, this question, unfortunately, I know something about. Rediscovery of yourself is also a happy side effect of taking the Red Pill.
Grit is the magic combination of perseverance and passion. Put that on top of above average intelligence, some money and your social network and BINGO : success in life. See where you are on the GRIT scale today by taking the assessment. Personally, Grit is not something I can keep applying over the long term (say 10 + years) without burn out. Grit takes ALOT of energy. It is easy to loose without quite a bit of resilience. The good news is most everyone has the CAPACITY for GRIT for certain things. If you feel you once “had grit” and have “lost grit”, I suggest you do the following:
1. Go back to the time you “had grit”. What were you doing? Why were you doing it? With whom? What about that time/activity gave you the extra passion to put in the extra effort? The purpose here is not to re-create the same conditions in the past, rather to become aware of what they were.
2. In remembering and reliving the time you “had grit”, write down as many specific feelings that come up about those times. I find it helpful to use a detailed feeling list like this one. (who knew there were more feelings than “happy” and “angry”?)
3. Now roll forward to today and take an assessment of how your current life is going by doing some self assessment tests like these. Pay most attention to the values exercises and strengths/weaknesses.
4. Next, create a list of all activities you are doing today within a week that take more than one hour of your time. Here is one I did way back in 2005 as an excel spreadsheet. My typical week Jan 2005. List work, family commitments, raising children, volunteering, sleep, workout, etc. Next to each activity, put the number of hours a week you do that activity. The total must be 168 hours. Add to this list three activities off your “if only i had the time” list. The things you believe you would love to do, or would be good at if you only had time to get around to them.
5. Take the top five positive feelings you felt way back when you had grit (from step 2) and write them down on the left side of a piece of paper. On the right side list all the activities from step 4, including the “if only” items, from the greatest time suck to the least. Now draw lines from each feeling word to each activity that also produces that feeling. Write the number of feeling connections made next to each activity. Here is one of mine from today:
6. What activities on the right are related to the most number of positive feelings from the previous “success state”? Those are the activities to peruse to regain a feeling of success. In my recent exercise, the top 5 positive “success” feelings were, flowing, appreciative, curious, helpful and balanced. The top three activities which created those feelings were “teaching my kids a life lesson, helping them”, “sharing my life lessons with friends/others”, and surf/harley/take a month off every six months.
It is important to remember that “success” and the “feeling of success” may be different things. What you are capable of generating grit for may not result in “success” as defined eternally. It is important to note that what feels like success may not pay the bills of life. If that is your situation, you need to then decide how much of the bills you are willing to give up in order to live more in line with your feelings of success. What you choose to apply grit to very definitely feeds your soul in a successful way. I define success today at 52 much differently than when I was 30. I am not trying to recreate the “success” of my 30s, rather define success into my 50s and beyond.
“Sometimes it’s a little better to travel than to arrive”. Robert Pirsig, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance: An Inquiry into Values.
“A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time”, Mark Twain.
“The thing is to find a truth which is true for me, to find the idea for which I can live and die.” Soren Kierkegaard.
“Work is about the search, too, for daily meanings well as daily bread, for recognition as well as for cash, for astonishment rather than torpor; in short, for a sort of life rather than a Monday through Friday sort of dying.” Studs Terkel, Working.
“One swallow does not a summer make, nor one fine day; similarly one day or brief time of happiness does not make a person entirely happy.” Aristotle
“When a man does not know what harbor he is making for, no wind is the right wind.” Seneca.
“It is no exaggeration to say that every human being is hypnotized to some extent either by ideas he has uncritically accepted from others or ideas he has repeated to himself or convinced himself are true. These negative ideas have exactly the same effect upon our behavior as the negative ideas implanted into the mind of a hypnotized subject by a professional hypnotist.”
― Maxwell Maltz,
“In a car you’re always in a compartment, and because you’re used to it you don’t realize that through that car window everything you see is just more TV. You’re a passive observer and it is all moving by you boringly in a frame.
On a cycle the frame is gone. You’re completely in contact with it all. You’re in the scene, not just watching it anymore, and the sense of presence is overwhelming.”
― Robert M. Pirsig,
“Always pass on what you have learned.” Yoda
“Do. Or do not. There is no try.” Yoda
“You will find only what you bring in.” Yoda
“Just keep swimming.”, Dori, Finding Nemo
“The happy man is not he who seems thus to others, but who seems thus to himself.” Publilius Syrus.
“The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide you’re not going to stay where you are.” John Pierpont “J.P.” Morgan
“The man without a purpose is like a ship without a rudder.” Thomas Carlyle
Steve Jobs vision of innovation and the world on You Tube.
“The most terrifying fact about the universe is not that it is hostile but that it is indifferent, but if we can come to terms with this indifference, then our existence as a species can have genuine meaning. However vast the darkness, we must supply our own light.” Stanley Kubrick.
“A thought is harmless unless we believe it. It’s not our thoughts, but our attachment to our thoughts, that causes suffering. Attaching to a thought means believing that it’s true, without inquiring. A belief is a thought that we’ve been attaching to, often for years.”
― Byron Katie,
“Don’t believe every thing you think.”
― Byron Katie
“Placing the blame or judgment on someone else leaves you powerless to change your experience; taking responsibility for your beliefs and judgments gives you the power to change them”
― Byron Katie
“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop and look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.” Eleanor Roosevelt.
“Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road of life is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision.” Martin Tobias
“We have two lives. The first life and the second life after you realize you only have one life.” unattributed.
“There are only two tragedies in life: One is not getting what one wants; and the other is getting it.” Oscar Wilde.
“Be fearful when others are greedy and greedy when others are fearful” Warren Buffet.
“Objective judgement, now at this very moment.
Unselfish action, now at this very moment.
Willing acceptance – now at this very moment – of all external events.
That’s all you need.”
“Our actions may be impeded … but there can be no impeding our intentions or dispositions. Because we can accommodate and adapt. The mind adapts and converts to its own purposes the obstacle of our acting.
The impediment to action advances action.
What stands in the way becomes the way.”
“The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.” -Thoreau
“The first principle is that you must not fool yourself, and you are the easiest person to fool.” -Richard Feynman
Epictetus asked the question: “How long are you going to wait before you demand the best for yourself?”
“You shouldn’t give circumstances the power to rouse anger, for they don’t care at all.” – Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 7.38
“You are not your body and hair style, but your capacity for choosing well. If your choices are beautiful, so too will you be.” Epictetus discourses 3.1.39b-40a
“When I can buy anything I want and decide to buy nothing, that is something.” Martin Tobias
Alan Watts: “To have faith is to trust yourself to the water. When you swim, you don’t grab hold of the water, because if you do, you will sink and drown. Instead, you relax and float.”
“If you think you can or you think you can’t, you are right.” Henry Ford.
“For such a small price, I buy tranquillity,” Epictetus’s line about ignoring small slights.
Philosophy,” Juvenal wrote, “by degrees, peels off most of our follies and vices, first shows us what’s right.”
“The grass isn’t greener on the other side. The grass is greener where you water it.” Martin Tobias
“Have a budget for all the fucks you give.” Martin Tobias
“It is not that life is short, it is that we waste alot of it.” Seneca
“Certainty is created within YOU not by your environment.” Tony Robbins
“Beating the competition is relatively easy. Beating yourself is a never ending commitment.” No finish line. Nike ad
“Teh duty of a man is to be useful to his fellow men; if possible to be useful to many of them; failing this, to be useful to a few; failing this, to be useful to his neighbors, and failing them, to himself; for when he helps others, he advances the general interests of mankind.” Seneca
Ok, I have been busy. Conflict. I am getting there. As I walked into Rudy’s on Capital Hill (no I didn’t use the damn app to book an appointment – you shouldn’t need a damn appointment for a barber shop), a buddy of mine was sitting in the chair finishing up. I had been thinking about this friend lately and meaning to connect. Love that about Seattle. The desk guy said it would be a half hour wait, so I ask my buddy if he has time for a coffee. He says “How about a beer? Or five?” Seeing as it was well past noon (around 2:30) I say “Sure.”
Turns out my friend was staring down the barrel of a potentially explosive rendezvous with his girlfriend on Thursday who he had the distinct impression was trying to dump him in the middle of a bunch of other shit at work. He had about a dozen tactical offensive strategies tumbling around in his head and wanted some advice. Less than half a beer in it was clear that his monkey mind was in full-blown panic. Summoning my best practices over the years I directed him toward strategies I have found successful. Three beers later (thankfully it didn’t take all five) we had agreed on an approach which was not originally on his list and in fact was about 180 degrees from the direction he was going.
This episode has caused me to think about and organize (somewhat) my thoughts on how to prepare for upcoming potential conflict. Here goes.
While every type of potential conflict has a different fact pattern, I have found that this framework can significantly reduce the fireworks and generate a greater percentage of “win-win” (hate that term) results. I have used this basic approach both when I am the instigator/aggressor of the conflict (firing a poor performing employee, talking to a family member about money, collecting a debt, etc.) and when I suspect to be the target of aggression (the board member wants an impromptu “update” on company performance, the girlfriend wants to “talk”, a key employee wants to “have a coffee” just before bonus time, my daughter says “dad, do you have a minute?”).
The Old way: Outcome Oriented Offense.
Until very recently, my normal response to impending conflict/danger was:
Delay/Deflect. Try to avoid conflict at all costs. Change the subject. Move the meeting. Deny everything. Cut the conversation short. Have sex instead. Turn on the TV. Take a trip. Bring up a much larger problem involving someone else. This avoided 60-70% of the conflict.
If defensive fails, move to offense.
Ready. Figure out who/what was the threat. Demonize them. Remind myself of my superiority and righteousness.
Aim. Plan an offensive attack. Rehearse all the reasons I was right. Be clear on what I wanted/needed out of the situation. Be prepared to fight to the death for the win.
Fire. Go in with guns blazing. Do not listen (that is weakness) or only listen as a delay/distraction tactic. When faced with arguments that diverged from my own beliefs, double down on beliefs, say them louder. Win with superior force, will and might. Win at all costs. Never retreat.
Move on. If I win, gloat. Do not be gracious in victory, maybe even flip the looser off, give them a kick in the ass out the door. If I lose, cut that person/thing out of my life as irrelevant and continue on with my own original beliefs intact. Conflict was not a learning experience, it was win/loose. Win/Win is just what winners say, not an actual desired outcome. Keep moving at all cost.
This was basically the approach my friend was taking to his upcoming potential conflict with the girlfriend. This approach is very outcome oriented – Win, stay alive. In certain existential situations (war with a clear enemy trying to kill you, the tiger trying to eat you) our natural fight of flight response serves us very well. Unfortunately about 95% of the conflicts we face are not truly existential, yet we tend to respond as if they are.
The New way: Process oriented empathy and understanding.
I have heard many people express a fear that focusing on process over outcomes (taking your eye off the ball) will lead to less goal achievement. In my experience stacking up a bunch of wins while everyone else looses eventually leaves the winner very alone, unfulfilled and wondering what went wrong. This process orientation strengthens my life force and my interpersonal network rather than weakening it through solo victories and cutting off the looser.
Here is what I (try) to do these days which I have found to be much more successful in resolving conflict (I still hate “win/win”). Occasionally I even learn something or grow (imagine that). This approach is definitely preferred with anyone who you must continue to deal with over time (family, friends, co-workers). Fewer people will feel like you are an asshole. Even a few may appreciate your problem solving skills and want to hang out more often (a particular benefit with the girl/boyfriend).
When facing a potential conflict situation:
Prepare. Get the facts straight. Focus on the facts. Try to remove any judgement or critique about the situation. Answer these questions for yourself. In fact write them down on one side of a blank piece of paper.
Now do the same for the other person who will be in the conflict. Write those down on the other side of the paper. Exercise your empathy muscle. While you can’t absolutely know someone else’s motivation, their feelings or what they want, you can certainly try to figure it out. Many conflicts have started over misunderstandings and without clear motivations on either side. While some differences are irreconcilable, the severity and intensity of conflict can be significantly minimized when there is empathy for the opposition.
Listen First. Especially if you are on the receiving end of the aggression. Put your own feelings and desires aside and listen. Really fucking listen. Do not interrupt. Keep eye contact. Nod your head. Yea some call it “active listening“, but you damn well know how it feels when someone is really paying attention to you. Do that. Put your own thoughts aside, especially if you are a guy and constantly want to jump in and solve the problem. There will be plenty of time for that.
Focus on understanding. In the “old way” I listened as a delaying tactic, as a rope a dope while I prepared the main offensive attack. Don’t do that. Stay curious. Is what you are hearing what you expected from the person during your preparation? Do you really understand what feelings, needs and desires they have? Do you really understand what they want out of the situation? Keep the judgement out. Even if what you understand they want is totally fucking stupid and useless. Try to dig down the real basic needs being expressed not the surface needs. For example if your girlfriend says “I just need you to take out the trash once in a while” the old me would be just like “sure I can do that” end of conversation. If you focus on understand what is really underneath the requests, you might get to the core issue. Like “I need to feel loved or appreciated.” Often times the real needs and motivations are buried under hurt, distrust and layers of daily details. Focus on understanding the true needs and motivations. Focus on understanding not winning. The “win” is the understanding.
Remain mindful. This could be the first step, or a step that underlies the entire situation. Basically stay awake and engaged with listening/understanding. Your monkey mind will want to bust in with your own feelings, needs, wants, desires, solutions. Your monkey mind will want to tune everything out as it prepares offense. Stay focused. There is time for everything the monkey mind wants to do, but your goal here is to stay focused on process not outcome.
Pro Tip: For the Really BIG conflicts, the ones much further down the existential fear scale, you should employ role-playing. Talk the situation and your approach through with a friend, mentor or in extreme circumstances, actually role play with them. Start the expected conversation and play the scene through. This is what Presidential candidates do for the big debates. For big conflicts, this investment will pay off.
What often happens to me in armed conflict situations when I deploy the process oriented approach is that the opposition is quickly disarmed and we start working together from a position of empathy on a solution we are both happy with. In situations where mutual happiness is not possible (firing an employee, breaking up with the girlfriend, collecting the debt), the wounds of the conflict are significantly reduced. No one limps away mortally wounded. The opposition may be wounded but they probably still have their dignity. Over time they may even appreciate the conflict as a turning point. Today’s looser needs to have the confidence and ability to be tomorrows winner. The world is not well served by armies of wounded losers zombie walking through life.
Sometimes with all the empathy and understanding of the other’s needs, I still can’t give them what they want. I can’t keep the employee. I can’t take out the trash. But with the understanding and empathy the parties can leave the conflict feeling understood. Feeling that they were not steamrolled. Far fewer grudges arise later. The Process Orientation of conflict resolution still has an outcome. The negative outcome you fear may still happen. In many ways there is still a winner and loser. But there is less damage to both sides.
Well that certainly is much more organized than the three beer advice I gave my buddy, and it was produced with coffee instead, but I am happy with it. I certainly will admit to having changed my approach to conflict over time and the results are 10x better when the process approach is deployed. Meditation is the superpower that has given me the ability to pause and choose a strategy. While sometimes I may still choose the “old way”, I know have an option and the skill to choose. Those have been steps in the right direction.
A couple of years ago I read that taking a cold shower first thing in the morning would be good for me (yea right). I recently found a fairly lively “cold showers are bullshit” contingency out there, so time for a second look. Breathing exercises (a mix of hyper ventilation and holding the breath) have also been bantered about among my climbing, surfing and yoga friends for various health benefits. The major proponent of combining these (with an emphasis on the cold parts) is a crazy Dutchman named Wim Hof. He has even commercialized his “method” if you have an extra $200 to spare. There is some third-party validation SCIENCE behind the practice (a necessity for me to try anything). He recently did an AMA on Reddit which is quite self promotional, but fairly educational. I found an abbreviated explanation of a morning ritual version of the “method” in the June issue of Outside Magazine. For the last week I have been doing this every morning. Here is an explanation of my “modified Hof method” and a first impression.
METHOD: The Martin Tobias modified Hof method of breathing and cold immersion.
Follow these steps in the morning immediately before picking up a device, having coffee, eating, or training. Initially do it lying down, with a friend near by who you trust enough to hear you scream like a little girl.
I have done this for seven days now. The breathing part has been easy and even enjoyable. I have to remember to slow down or hyperventilation makes me too light-headed (hence the floor). The cold shower is the hardest part and there has been alot of screaming. First day I only lasted about 20 seconds. After seven days I am up to 3 minutes and can get a fairly productive shower done in that time including taking the shower wand down and getting the cold all over.
No noticeable mental or physical benefits, but I didn’t expect to see/feel any. I have a distinct feeling of accomplishment. Of beating back the fear. Every day of practice makes it easier and builds overall confidence. Total morning time is about 7-8 minutes. It is actually less total time than my prior long hot lazy showers were. I think I will stick with it for the next month and re-evaluate. It adds very little overhead, has proven science upside, and delivers a daily small victory first thing in the morning. This one is a keeper for now.
As with all tools I write about here, your mileage may vary. I only pass along the ones I have personally found to be helpful or interesting or carry very little downside with fairly meaningful potential upside. I encourage your own examination and experimentation. Your path is your own and you have to take your own steps. But DO TAKE STEPS.
I hate email lists. I have funded two different companies to kill SPAM of all sorts. But lots of people have asked if I would send out an occasional email with my favorite Life Hacks in it. Originally I thought “Sure, but don’t expect more than a couple a month.” But I have since decided to not do an email at all so I am removing the ability to subscribe. I am turning DGC more introspective, a notebook to myself, like Meditations, so outbound publishing to the world is not a priority. If you want to follow my internal process, subscribe to the blog or follow me on Twitter.
A couple of months ago my 15-year-old daughter asked me how she can overcome some of her fears. The “I don’t like to be home alone at night or walk down a dark alley” type. At the time I was stumped. As a manly man if a buddy had asked that question the obvious answer would be “grow a set you pansy!” Followed by endless shaming until the guy admitted he wasn’t a wuss anymore. As a man I have been shamed out of fear my whole life.
A little birdie (years of therapy) in my hypothalamus sat up and urged me to take a different tack with my daughter. So I mumbled something about “you only get good at things you practice” and proceed onto google. Four months, much reading and many trials later I actually have found a few things that are appropriate for exactly the situation I have: a 15-year-old girl with normal age related anxiety in a few areas and a desire to get a little more gritty and tough.
We tried the first fear buster test at home tonight. Watch the video of my attempt below. Hat tip to Julien Smith in The Flinch for this technique that I have added onto.
Directions are simple. It takes less than two minutes. Get up right now and go to your cupboard. Pick out a little used but once loved coffee cup or glass. Hold it out in your hand at arm’s length, shoulder height. Now drop the cup! Yes you heard me drop the damn cup! Now clean it up. Sit down and write a list of every feeling that you felt before during and after dropping the cup. Use a feeling list like this if you have to. Naming feelings in detail reduces their power over you. You can just notice them like anything else. “oh, there is dread. And his friend fear. How interesting.” This exercise takes you through (slight) emotional distress, into analysis and onto (hopefully) some increased awareness and confidence all in less than 10 minutes with very little risk to life or limb.
It took my daughter a couple tries before she could drop the cup. The flinch made her arm go limp a few times before she pushed it aside. All the training to be careful and don’t break things. Yet there was her father giving her permission to break stuff and there would not be any consequences. The monkey mind couldn’t deal. Couldn’t reconcile the conflict. Multiple disaster scenarios raced through her head. Fear and dread took over. But with my encouragement she pushed through and found out that nothing bad happened. She stared down the flinch and won. One step at a time. Keep building and practicing and larger fears will lose their sway.
Like anything else the journey starts with the first step. If you want to get tougher try the cup drop challenge. All you have to lose is a little fear and a cup you don’t use anyway.